Tomorrow.

Important first step day. Tomorrow.
I’m nervous. Im anxious. I’m actually terrified.
What if they don’t believe me? What if I don’t seem ill enough because I’m not having a bad day? What if I cry? What if I don’t know what to say? How do I start? What do I need to say?

I have to go to the doctors. I have to tell them I’m depressed. I have anxiety. I’m pretty sure I’m also borderline. I want counselling. I think it might even be time for medication.

When I had postnatal depression I refused medication. I think it might be time. Kill this bastard parasite once and for all. He makes me think I’m sad. He makes me avoid things that might help me get rid of him!

I’m scared. But I’ll see my favourite person, my best support for lunch and after work. And I’ll see my best friend too. So if I can get through it I will have some happiness to look forward to. I’m going to be fragile tomorrow. I’m going to feel vulnerable. And I’m gonna wanna come home and hide. But I can’t. I have people to see. This is good. I won’t hide. I’ll face it. With the support of my loved ones. My kids are too young to understand but they’ll give me a cuddle if I’m sad.

Tomorrow is when the progress starts.

I’ve also ordered a workbook online so I can attempt to do some exercises and I’m already keeping track of moods and other things as well as triggers.

I’m doing this for my bestest person. He is my motivation and my love. My support and strength and my future. I love him and I’m fighting for him.

Hope

I’ve been back on my facebook groups. My postnatal depression group helped me so much in the hard times after the youngest was born. It was those women who encouraged me to go to the doctors. Unfortunately I didn’t want medication. I asked for counselling. By the time it came through I thought I was better. So I didn’t go.

What a mistake.

So I’m back on there now. Posting about things. How I feel. How it’s affecting our relationship. How bad I am at giving people space. How scary everything is right now. All the doubts and fears. It’s a safe place. There are thousands of women in that group and hundreds of them relate. Hundreds of them could read it and see something of themselves and post replies to help. I’ve had many replies already.

They say things I already know to be true but it’s so helpful to have someone say it to you. Especially when you doubt your own mind. When you don’t know what’s real or true. When your brain is fighting against itself and you don’t know which part to listen to.

Those ladies got me through my worst times, as well as my children. I owe a lot to them. I’m glad I never left the group when I felt better. Everyone struggles. Every relationship gets hard. The difference is the relationship is made what it is by how you react to these situations. Who runs away. Who pushes people away. Whether you communicate. Whether you avoid each other. Whether you take the time to understand and see from other perspectives.

I’ve calmed down a lot but I’m not even sure if that’s just the numbness taking over to protect me. I’m on my way to work so I can’t have the panic that I had last night. I can’t scream and cry. I can’t break things and hurt myself. I need to get through this day.

While there’s hope I will be hopeful. I will usually be hopeful long after the hope is gone but that’s another story. I am trying my hardest and I will continue to do so.

I usually react emotionally and instantly. I have to remind myself to take the time to use my mind. Explain. Understand. Rationalise. He is the opposite. He thinks too much and ignores his heart. He needs to turn the lights off and lock the door and let his heart take over. Listen to what his heartbeat says. Love and relationships aren’t about the mind as much as the heart and the soul. Mine is full of him.

We hug and our souls combine. Little parts of him become immersed in my soul. Little parts of my soul cling to his and are pulled away from me when he leaves. My soul always wants to be with his. As close as possible. Absence doesn’t make my heart grow fonder. It makes it grow sadder. I wonder what will happen. But I’m wondering it in a detached way. I will deal with it as I get there. But I will always have hope.

I say fuck you

Fuck you to depression
Fuck you to anxiety
Fuck you to borderline personality disorder
Fuck you to fear
Fuck you to regrets
Fuck you to mistakes
Fuck you to heartbreak
Fuck you to weakness
Fuck you to self harm
Fuck you to chocolate and associated weight hate
Fuck you to judgemental people
Fuck you to financial worries
Fuck you to single parenthood
Fuck you to bad skin
Fuck you to tears
Fuck you to nausea
Fuck you to insomnia
Fuck you to not being able to wake up after you took so long to fall asleep
Fuck you to fake friends
Fuck you to friends who drop you for a new friend
Fuck you to men who won’t take care of their own kids
Fuck you to expectations
Fuck you to minimum wage
Fuck you to housework
Fuck you to laundry folding
Fuck you to self esteem
Fuck you to arguments
Fuck you to overeating
Fuck you to smoking cravings
Fuck you to cravings for any undesirable behaviour
Fuck you to colds and flu
Fuck you to tiredness
Fuck you to anger
Fuck you to irritability
Fuck you to lack of motivation
Fuck you PMS
Fuck you to lack of energy
Fuck you to periods
Fuck you to late periods
Fuck you to stupid worries
Fuck you to guilt
Fuck you to paranoia
Fuck you to my fear of abandonment
Fuck you to behaviours that end up pushing people away
Fuck you to every single man who has ever made me feel worthless
Fuck you to everyone who doesn’t believe in depression
Fuck you to people who refuse to help those who need it
Fuck you to not being able to afford therapy
Fuck you to waiting lists
Fuck you to mental health conditions
Fuck you to anything that makes someone feel inferior
Fuck you to love causing people pain
Fuck you to suicide
Fuck you to relationships ending
Fuck you to broken families
Fuck you to facebook drama
Fuck you to nosiness
Fuck you to panic
Fuck you to teeth grinding
Fuck you to snoring
Fuck you to empty beds
Fuck you to alarm clocks
Fuck you to waking up alone
Fuck you to going to bed alone
Fuck you to crying
Fuck you to lying
Fuck you to cheaters
Fuck you to running away
Fuck you to everything taking so long
Fuck you to impatience
Fuck you to waiting
Fuck you to not knowing
Fuck you to plans changing
Fuck you to goals being demolished
Fuck you to progress wasted
Fuck you to time wasted
Fuck you to growing up
Fuck you to missing years of your children’s lives to postnatal depression
Fuck you to postnatal depression at all
Fuck you to memories
Fuck you to sad songs
Fuck you to happy songs feeling like they’re gloating
Fuck you to shared interests being ruined
Fuck you to disagreements
Fuck you to forgetting the good and only seeing the bad
Fuck you to mood swings
Fuck you to needing a hug
Fuck you to childish behaviour
Fuck you to selfish behaviour
Fuck you to desperately wishing for one person
Fuck you to living apart
Fuck you to commitment issues
Fuck you to relationship issues
Fuck you to politics
Fuck you to suffering
Fuck you to news stories
Fuck you to crying over everything
Fuck you to world problems you cannot solve
Fuck you to feeling helpless
Fuck you to society’s opinions on sharing feelings
Fuck you to not being allowed to say parenting is hard
Fuck you to being labelled ungrateful
Fuck you to feeling lost
Fuck you to needing space
Fuck you to words said but not meant
Fuck you to life plans
Fuck you to marriage
Fuck you to finding your perfection and losing it
Fuck you to blame
Fuck you to self blame
Fuck you to self hate
Fuck you to missing people
Fuck you to punching walls
Fuck you to not supporting people struggling
Fuck you to everyone who’s ever laughed at someone’s misfortune
Fuck you to people who mock disability
Fuck you to people who mock mental health
Fuck you to racism sexism and homophobia
Fuck you to division
Fuck you to hate
Fuck you to losing someone you love
Fuck you to pain, physical or emotional
Fuck you to dreams shattered
Fuck you to starting from scratch
Fuck you to new friends lost
Fuck you to difficult lives
Fuck you to emotionally uninvolved parents
Fuck you to materiality
Fuck you to black and white thinking
Fuck you to impulsiveness
Fuck you to instability
Fuck you to insecurity
Fuck you to ignoring people
Fuck you to read receipts
Fuck you to giving up

Life is always worth the fight. Fuck you everything that gets in my way. I will win. I will cherish every person in my life. I will always try my hardest. I will always give people more than they deserve. I will usually get hurt for it but that’s the way life is. I will keep my big heart open. I will always let people in. Show people kindness and love. I will always help those I can and feel guilty for not being able to do more. I will always love. Too much. Too strongly. And sometimes for people who don’t deserve it. But this cruel world will never beat me. It will never pull me down for long. I will rise up from the ashes like Fawkes and protect those I love. My tears will heal wounds like Fawkes and my loyalty will never waver. I will fight the fights that need to be fought and I will win those which need to be won. I am a mum. I am a woman. I am a fighter. I am strong. I am brave. I am hard working. I am loving. I am kind. I am human. And that is a beautiful thing to be.

Space

A little word. A big meaning.
He needs space. The thing is for me it feels as though there really are galaxies and planets between us. I’m lost wandering between the stars but only finding darkness.

I’m bad at not texting. I send multiple texts in a row. I text when I know people are busy because I wanna say something and don’t wanna forget by the time they’re available. So how do I give him space when this is the kind of time I really need to not be alone?

Things are tough at the moment. For me on a personal individual level. And for our relationship. He doesn’t know if he can see our future anymore. Even after I get better. The road to recovery is a long one. I’ve traveled it before. And I’m beginning again. But I’m only at the third step.

I’ve realised the problem: the depression is back. The anxiety has always been there. I think I have too many traits of borderline personality disorder to not consider that as an option. It’s affecting our relationship.

I’ve reached out: to him. To explain. To ask for support. To a friend. But I can’t really talk about it to her. Not whilst it’s happening. That’s how I know I’m suffering again because it’s impossible to talk about. I talked about it to everyone before when I thought I had recovered.

I’ve booked a doctors appointment: it’s for next Wednesday. I have literally no idea what to say. What to ask for. How to get a diagnosis. Whether I’ll even be able to explain. How long I’d have to wait for counselling. Whether I need medication.

Three steps completed already and still I’m at the beginning. This is a road I know well. A road that is long. Hard. Painful. Heartbreaking. Shameful. And lonely.

And he may just be about to make it harder for me. What can I expect really? I know I’m difficult to deal with. I know that. It’s evidenced in my life. I’ve had one serious relationship before this, with my children’s dad, and that ended because of domestic violence. That carries its own residual issues. Most of those I overcame with hard work (alone) and a lot of time.

I thought I’d found my happy place. I thought I’d have it forever. That’s not to say I got comfortable and stopped making an effort. If anything, I’ve been trying harder since I’ve been struggling with my mood. I think I’ve been fighting really hard. I’ve been fighting this thing so hard, without even really realising what it was I’ve been fighting until a couple of weeks ago.

He listed all the problems with our relationship. In reality, they were all symptoms of my mood struggles. See even now I find it hard to admit what it really is. Depression. I have depression. And anxiety. And maybe some other shit thrown in too. As if it’s not hard enough as it is. We talked. I cried. A lot. This was a hard realisation. I thought I had recovered. My life was progressing. I had the family I’d always wanted. The partner I’d always dreamed of. Why would I get depressed now? But boom there it is.

I don’t want us to end. I don’t wanna give up. I don’t think asking for ‘space’ ever leads to a positive outcome. Some people might say if you leave each other alone you will realise how much you miss each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. What if it doesn’t though? What if it actually makes you realise that you’re happier without me? Not a part of this family we’ve been growing. I let you into my life. I let you into my kids lives. I let you be their parent and they love you as if you were. And who knows what’s gonna happen now. I’m glad they didn’t ask if you’d be here today, as they usually do. I don’t know what I’d have said. I don’t know how I’d have resisted breaking down.

But, since I keep thinking I’d do anything to save this and to keep us going, I must do what he desires and give him the space he needs. Regardless of the consequences. I’m used to making sacrifices. I can make one more.

I’m also used to being left. To feeling abandoned. To feeling like there’s no reason to carry on. What I’m not used to is having to go to work still. I’ve not felt this low since I started working in December 2015. Today was absolute torture. Sat at my desk, forcing back tears. Wanting to scream and shout and wreck the place. And I’ve got another day the same tomorrow. Who knows how long he’ll need space for? Who knows how long this will go on? Who knows if I’ll even get him back?

I can’t concentrate. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. How am I gonna keep dragging myself out of bed and feeding my kids and forcing the long cold walk of the school run and sitting at work for four hours and then doing another school run, homework, housework, dinner? And then the worst part. When you’re alone, the kids in bed, the time you’d usually spend with the one you love, only he’s not here, you don’t even know if he will be again?

His stuff is here. Lots of it. How am I gonna manage that if he is giving up? How am I gonna be able to see him and not break down and beg like a silly little child? How does anyone ever deal with a break up with someone they absolutely adore?

I’ve been trying to look at things online. To start the recovery process. I read that there are some good workbooks for these problems. I’ve looked at some. I found some free worksheets for relationship related problems. I’m going to print them tomorrow. At least I will feel like I’m doing something productive.

I literally have no idea what’s going to happen. Where my life is headed. It was only a few weeks ago we applied to set up a joint bank account. We were gonna move in the summer, to another town. It was only at Christmas he wrote in his card ‘this is the first card from me and you’ll get another every year for the rest of your life’. Was that even meant? How can you go from ‘I love you now and forever’ to ‘I don’t know if I can see a future’ in a month? How did it end up here? Now I can’t even talk to him. He wants space and it’s my job to respect that. So instead I post on here. He knows my blog and reads it but at least now he has the option to ignore it. I don’t have to see that stupid little read receipt under my writing and know that he’s seen it, and still isn’t replying.

I wish we could rewind to Christmas. That was the best. I’ve always been a little secretly sad at Christmas that I didn’t have a loving partner to spend it with. To enjoy watching the kids open their presents and to spend time choosing presents for a partner that would show my love. This Christmas I had that. And it made the best Christmas I’ve ever had. I don’t wanna lose that. And New Year’s Eve is the worst day of the year for me. All those people out celebrating while I’m at home with sleeping children. Or all the people at home snuggled up with their loved ones kissing at midnight. But this year he was here. We kissed at midnight. I wasn’t sad.

Maybe I won’t lose it. Maybe he’ll decide he doesn’t wanna give up either. But as yet I have no indication. He hasn’t told me he loves me today. That hurts. I’m desperate for it. I’m desperate for a clue.

I’m sure I’ll be posting a lot. I’m going to use this as my counter action when I want to text him. If space is what he needs then space is what he gets. I will cope by myself. I’m almost 26. I’ve only had him 7 months. Sure it’s easier with him around. Sure the road to recovery will be more pleasant and progress faster with someone by my side. But whatever happens I’m strong enough. I got through postnatal depression, an abusive relationship, single parenthood for 5 years, running a household with two children on benefits. I got through suicidal thoughts and self harm. I quit smoking by myself when I was pregnant. I lost weight. I got healthier. I provided a comfy environment for my children meeting all their needs. I pulled myself out of the darkest days. Alone.

Whatever happens my children will always be my refuge, my safety, my reason to carry on. They were my reason to keep fighting when I wanted to die. They were my reason for dragging my lifeless body around until I made it where I was. They were my reason for starting work instead of staying on benefits for another year or two. They are what makes me strong. Brave. A fighter.

I have always been a fighter. Depression means a daily battle, every second. But I will continue to fight it even if it means doing it alone again. I will learn from the mistakes I made last time. I will learn how to resist the bad urges and do the things I know are right when my mind is healthy. Fuck you depression. Fuck you anxiety. Fuck you fear of abandonment. Fuck you heartbreak. I will win. I will beat all of you.

WHOS FAULT IS IT

Who’s fault is it?
Who’s fault is it that we’re in this mess?
Is it mine for letting the parasite in?
Is it yours for not helping me fight it?
Who’s fault is it that you want to leave?
Is it mine for pushing you away?
Or is it yours for not trying harder?
Who’s fault is it?

Let’s put an end to placing blame
For we have both made mistakes
We are both full of faults
But in true love we both should know
We love despite all of those
We fight together hand in hand
And at the other side
We reach a place of common ground
Where we’re closer than before
Let’s put an end to placing blame
And start placing love instead

LAND OF THE LOST PART TWO

Icy winds and darkened skies
In the land of the lonely lost
A tiny flicker held in the hand
A disposable cigarette lighter
Orange yellow red
A hand held over the flame
A warmth seeps into fingertips
And hope begins again
Walk a little further
Wait a little longer
The hail has abated
The harsh wind slowly dies
And in the moment of peace and calm
A sound can be heard this night
A spark of hope
A feeling in the bones
A little voice somewhere that says
This land is not your home
The feet they keep on walking
A little step, a stride
For out there it is calling
That little thing inside
Keep going on you’ll find it
Through the cold and dark
The dreary weather, the mud and tears
Onto the other side
Something there is better
Warmth spreading through the arms
The body is awake now
And warming up the toes
A little light is there now
Along the path once more
A firefly leading the way
And hope is here to guide
The legs are moving faster
Warming up as well
This is not where you belong
You’ll get there, where you do
Keep travelling along the road
Towards the singing voice you hear
A lark, a bluebird, or songthrush call
As the heart beats out its tune
You hear it now and feel it too
As the day breaks now for you
The night is always at the end
But the day will come back too
The lonely road is travelled
And when it’s reached it’s end
The sun begins to shine again
As always these things do
So don’t give up along the way
The road is surely grim
But now the destination
Is clear and sunlit too
Keep faith, dear traveller
Lost and tired
But persevering all the while
This reward comes but for all
Those who battle through
The hail turns to drizzle
The sun breaks through the cloud
And there above to signal hope
A rainbow appears for you

LOST

A swirling vortex
A tidal wave of icy water
A black hole in the night sky
Swallowing all the starlight
A winding path in a dark forest
That ends at a steep cliff edge
A maze of high green leafy walls
A bridge broken in the middle
Puddles of murky water
Lying all over the frosty ground
Streets with cobbled floors
Signposts sprawled with graffiti
Nobody to ask for directions
In the cold dark of early morning
A winter’s day, no sun in sight
A never-ending grey
The light has been taken from this place
And hail begins to fall
No shelters are around here
No warmth, just solitude
A grassy field but no birdsong
Flowers with no coloured petals
A dead pigeon on the ground
Endless salty water splashing on the shore
Shivering and wind whipped hair
Socks wet inside of shoes
Wandering along the path
But destination is unknown
Trees barren and no leaves
Grass turned now to ash
The hardened ground making no sound
The emptiness is raw
People are but shadows
The world is turned to stone
On the wind no whisper
Of happiness or of joy
A boat, cracked paint and dull
Lost potential and lost promises
The shop windows are boarded up
The glass smashed on the floor
An empty land, an empty heart
Lonely times ahead
Time is against us all
A ticking of the clock
Even that cannot be heard
In the land of the lost

HOME

I once wrote a poem about home
And what it means to me

I once wrote a poem about home
And sitting by the sea

I once wrote a poem about home
And now YOU are home to me

 

 

---

another poem inspired by my love. Nov 2016 – eternity.

ALL

You are my home. You are my beautiful sunlit garden.
You are my night sky. You are my sunshine and rain.
You are my earth and you are my fire.
You are my anchor and you are my wings.
You are my breath and you are the one who takes it away.

You are my heart. You are every atom of my body.
You are my freedom. You are what keeps me here.
You are my dreams and you are my every waking moment.
You are my storm and you are my rainbow.
You are my tranquility and you are the waves of the ocean in my soul.

You are my roots. You are my leafy branches.
You are my song. You are my peaceful afternoons.
You are my summer breeze and you are the flush on my cheeks in the winter chill.
You are my present and you are all of my future
You are my time and you are the one who makes time stand still.

You are all.

 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

this was a poem I wrote in November 2016. Inspired by the love of my life who just so happens to be my current partner.

Saturdays

Saturdays are my favourite day

A gentle wake up, a warmth beside me

A sleepy sigh from me or from you

A movement in the covers, a rustle and a breath

One of us rolls over and we become entwined

We lay there for a while, a peaceful resting place

Sunbeams through the curtain breaks

Lift us from our snooze

And the day begins

 

We dress at leisure, wasting time

For what is there to lose?

We eat together, and our minds awaken

The day’s possibilities stretching before us

Sometimes we stay in bed, sometimes to the gym

Sometimes we go to the cinema

And then the next phase of the day approaches

When the children return home

 

The noise begins, as does the mess

But joyous mess and noise to me

The darlings bring home my heart

The part they took away with them

The part you do not get to keep

Family time is precious, use it wisely while we can

For one day, they will grow up you see

And that piece of my heart will go with them then too

So we play games, watch films and draw

Reading about heroes and villains too

We feed the little monsters with imagination and with food

 

Again the day begins to change

As they get ready for their beds

Another story, another drink, always just one more

Sometimes infuriating, but hold them dear

This will be over all too soon

The moon shines down on sleeping angels

Now is the grown ups turn to play

 

This is our night to stay up late

And enjoy each other’s love

We play a board game, spend some time

Using strategies and deduction

To solve a mystery, work as a team

And use communication

It’s nighttime now, the house is quiet

We play, and talk, and love

The time we spend makes up for it

When we don’t find the answer right

 

Pack up the game, turn off the lights

Get into our soft pyjamas

We lay down to finish the day

Just the way that it began.